I have this secret place that where I write.
A place that only I can see.
A place that holds all of my secrets.
A place where I say everything that I could never say in real life.
I write there only when I am extremely hurt and lost or when I am glowing with happiness. Never in between.
I had to write there tonight.
And every so often after I post something new I click on a posts from months past and read a couple over.
Tonight I just skimmed but it was the first time that I noticed something. In almost every single one in one way or another I'm calling myself out. Asking myself why I'm so weak, my I allow people to treat me the way I do, why I allow myself to think and feel the way I do.
I ask myself over and over again why I'm not better.
That is always in my head, why are you not better? Why are you not stronger, faster, smarter. Why haven't you already learned this lesson? Why do you let your emotions rule over logic?
Why...are you still not perfect?
Over
and over
and over
and over
I've had this place for three years. And this...really, while saying so many things, talking on so many subjects and situations, this is all I ever actually say.
And even as I sit here writing this, realizing so many things...I still think it.
Nothing is ever good enough for me. I have a goal, I work hard, I put everything into it and once I achieve it there is no celebration, there is no pat on the back it is instantly onto the next thing.
As if I spend my entire life picking myself apart and keeping a list of flaws, constantly working one after the other only to develop more as I go.
Heh....it's really very pathetic if you actually think about it.
I probably shouldn't even be posting this here...but I will anyways.
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